It was six in the morning, as dark as night, being so close to the winter solstice. I was driving, one of the very rare times I drive to my office – oil change day. I backed down the driveway, and as I turned onto our road, looking through the rear view mirror, I saw a white shape in the distance glide by.

I looked, then peered intently. It wasn’t gliding, it was walking, and sometimes crouching down. It moved back and forth at the end of our street. It looked like it was following a black fuzz, or small black haze.

The apparition appeared to be wearing a white dress, and had shoulder length hair. I could not make out any detail on the black fuzz. The white apparition seemed preoccupied with the black fuzz, sometimes walking behind it, sometimes crouching when the black fuzz was close, then the black fuzz would quickly move away, and the white apparition would follow.

What was it? The safest assumption is that our neighbours have a new puppy, a black one, who was brought out for an early morning piddle trip. Since my eyes lack a tapetum lucidum, as all humans lack, any light colours she was wearing would have appeared white, and a black or dark coloured dog would have appeared as a black fuzz.

Mystery solved.

New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I’m too old to track down terrorists. You can’t be older than 42 to join the military. They’ve got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year old’s off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn’t be able to join a military unit until you’re at least 50.

For starters: Researchers say 18-year-old’s think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven’t lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. ‘My back hurts! I can’t sleep, I’m tired and hungry’ We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile.

An 18-year-old doesn’t even like to get up before10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, ‘I’m tired and can’t sleep and since I’m already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical SOB….

If captured we couldn’t spill the beans because we’d forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real stretch.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We’re used to getting screamed and yelled at and we’re used to soft food. We’ve also developed an appreciation for guns. We’ve been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I’ve been in combat and didn’t see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any push-ups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I’ve never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him..He’s still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn’t figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm’s way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

***How about recruiting Women over 50 …..with PMS !!! You think Men have attitudes!!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my Lord!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol…..we will have it secured the first night!

Then I realized the buzzing was intermittent. As I walked closer to the wood stove, when the buzzing stopped, I could hear a bird. The bird’s calls were coming from within the chimney!

I opened the wood stove. I didn’t expect to see the bird, because there is not a direct wide enough pass-way from the chimney intake to the wood stove. The wood stove is full of paper and wood, because I don’t use it, except in an emergency, and there has been no emergency in over two years. It is full and waiting to go.

I realized that if a bird is trapped inside, we have to get it out. How? Do I leave, and leave a note on the table to cal the SPCA or some such? No, thaought would not be fair. I should try to get it out. That means moving the wood stove. But it has never been moved since it was installed ages ago.

I cleared it off, and tried to move it. Heavy. Too heavy for me alone. All the while, in between the buzzing and rattling, I heard the bird calling. Poor thing. Maybe there is a nest in there?

I decided to go outside and see. That is easier and quicker than moving the wood stove.

I went on the rock and looked up at the chimney. There is a metal cap over the chimney, keeping rain from dripping in. On top of the metal cap was a woodpecker. The woodpecker would peck the metal cap, like woodpeckers do, which caused the buzzing. When the woodpecker stopped, it would sing out, then resume the pecking. I burst out laughing. While thinking of ways to chase off the woodpecker, it flew away. Woodpeckers are not the smartest birds out there.